How to Have A Kid
by soggypotatoes
Summary: My first fanfiction X3 random name, idk, off the top of my head. Basically, Deidara gets pregnant. Oh, and the ghost is Jonathan from Full Moon o Sagashite. Contains Sasodei, Gaadei and ItachixKisame. PURE CRACK. Rated M for language and mpreg.


**Author's note: **Okay, this is my first fanfiction, so try not to be too harsh reviews are welcome anytime... (TAKE THE HINT.)

btw the ghost is Jonathan from Full Moon o Sagashite. I couldn't resist. Oh, and this whole thing was spouted from a dream I had. Yep.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto or Jonathan :(

* * *

"SHIT."

Tobi began to back away, hands raised. Deidara was doing it again. Yes, that. His moans echoed through the room, and the Akatsuki could do nothing but stare.

He's been doing this a lot recently. In front of all of them. It's very messy, and who do you think has to clean all that up? Well he won't get off his arse to do it. Too busy staining the bed with his liquids probably.

He finished off with a grunt and flopped back on the bed. "Bags not touching it." Itachi snapped at Pein. Pein's glare slid over to Zetsu, who shook his head. "I did it yesterday."`

Pein continued to direct his glare at everyone else, who each came up with excuses on turn, until he reached Tobi, who shuddered, desperately trying to dream up some excuse, but failed. "We need to get him to a doctor or something." Suggested Zetsu. "He's no use to us like this."

Pein nodded, and Deidara began glaring at Tobi's back when he went to get cleaning utensils.

"Have you even tried throwing up twice in a row before?" He challenged Pein, "The second time there's nothing left in there so you're literally retching stomach acid and saliva."

"Thank you, we needed to know that." Snapped Itachi, "I'm clearing off now. You have successfully managed to stink out the place." And with that he stormed away.

* * *

If there was one thing Deidara was sure of, it was definitely _not _this doctor.

He had entered the room to be greeted by a ghost with a big nose, upturned eyes, a top hat and a mouth that seemed to be fixed in a permanent smile.

"My name is Jonathan." He said in a high-pitched voice. "Now before you say anything, do you like your eggs boiled or scrambled?"

"Um… I don't like eggs."

"Oh? Then what do you like?"

"I used to like a lot of things… beef jerky, cucumber, Sasori, yaoi… you know… all the normal stuff, but recently I just haven't been able to eat."

"And you're male, right?"

"Yep."

"Ah. I see."

"What? Oh dear God Sweet Mother of Jesus and Wobbufett, tell me!"

"You're pregnant, honey."

"I'm what?"

"Honey."

"No no, before that?"

"You don't want to be honey?"

"What?"

"Well that's a bit insulting, I love honey. Look, I don't serve people who dislike honey, ok?"

"I don't give a damn about honey ok, I-"

Jonathan gave an almighty gasp and flew out of the window, leaving Deidara thinking, what the heck was that all about?

* * *

"Stupid. Idiot. Out of his mind, gender confused, brainless ghost."

"What did he say?" Pein said in a bored tone.

"Stupid shit doesn't even make sense! I'm a guy!"

"What?"

"He thinks I'm pregnant."

There was a silence. All of Akatsuki had frozen in their spots.

"But I'm a guy! It's impossible!"

More silence. Deidara was getting scared. Whenever he… did it, he was safe. There's no way… a horror dawned upon him. "You think it's true…"

"Deidara." Pein began, "There is something I haven't told you. It's… well… every century a person is born who is entirely made of awesome. Nobody knows exactly what it means, but when you are, anything could happen. Which means getting pregnant is very possible."

More silence.  
Deidara could feel a dread welling up inside him, threatening to explode. Like a volcano. A red volcano. With purple polka dots. And sunflowers growing out the top.

And then it hits him.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Another voice had joined him in this exclamation. He looked around only to see Sasori blushing like a tomato.

"I'm a dad…" They both say at the same time.

-7 months later-

Whenever Tobi sees either one of them he cracks up laughing.

And it is damn annoying.

It didn't help that Deidara looked like an overweight pigeon. He glared at his bulging stomach, and it seemed to laugh mockingly back at him. "I hate you." He snapped. It didn't reply.

Sasori planted himself in front of him, earning himself a penetrating glare.

"Look Deidei, how was I supposed to know you were made of awesome? I mean, I guessed, but I was joking, I didn't think you were really…" he gave up at his lover's expression and instead focused on what was soon to be his child.

"I bet it'll be blonde."

No response.

"A gay blonde."

"What the hell is your problem?"

"Well it's your kid."

"It's yours too."  
"Born to two gays, huh. Then it's definitely gay."

Deidara made his glare harder, and Sasori sighed and gave him a quick kiss before leaving him to fume on his own.

"So what are you calling it?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

Itachi shrugged, his eyes dripping with venom. "It's your kid, _Deidei_."

"Don't you start calling me that."

"You still haven't answered me."

Deidara sighed and buried his face in his hands. "I don't even want it."  
"Tough."

"Wow, Itachi. Thanks for the great words of wisdom. So glad I came to you for advice."

"Serves you right. People come to me to get killed, not for advice."

"Fuck you."

"Never said you couldn't."

"What?"

"So, names?"

There was a silence.

"Deidara-"

"Good night Itachi."

"You can't just-"

"_Good night_, Itachi."

With a final sigh Itachi left the room, and Deidara curled up and attempted to make Sasori voodoo dolls out of his pillows.

They didn't appear to work.

* * *

Deidara slid out of the entrance of their hideout. Nobody knew he had escaped. Hopefully no one would come to visit him until he was well and truly gone.

He was going to return eventually, but being cooped up in one place without being able to merely get some fresh air without Sasori hanging off him wasn't his thing.

He didn't even know what the big deal was. Sure, he was pregnant, but it's not like he was going into labour anytime soon.

He began to run. Wherever he was going, it had to be better than that.

"Shit Deidara, you _have _put on a few, haven't you?"

He spun around to face whoever had spoken with a murderous glint in his eyes.

Kakashi from Konoha was leaning against a tree, book in hand.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing here? You people from Konoha are so up yourselves. You think you can just hang right next to the Akatsuki entrance, do ya? Itachi's like that too. Thinks he's so-"

Kakashi's book snapped shut, and before Deidara could even blink he was pinned against a tree by a single gloved hand.

"Shut your face." Growled Kakashi, "You're pregnant, aren't you? Therefore I could smash both you and the kid right now. Hit two birds with one stone, yeah?"

Deidara felt the blood drain from his face. He was right. This stupid kid made him completely defenceless. He should have realised that!

"You wouldn't dare." He growled, and swung a kick at the enemy shinobi's stomach. He had hardly lifted his foot, however, when a sharp pain made him cry out. Damn kid!

"No, I wouldn't. Luckily I am completely out of character today so I can not be bothered to kill you." Kakashi released him and sank to the ground, patting the ground next to him. Deidara accepted the invitation, his stomach still aching.

"Must be hard. Being pregnant." Kakashi commented.

"Oh God, you have no idea."

"So it's hard?"

"Yep."

"Really hard?"

"Yep."

"Like harder than Sasuke thrusts into Naruto?"

Deidara stared at him before nodding slowly.

"Shit, that's hard."

"So who's the father?" Kakashi inquired.

"Who do ya think?"

"I mean the other father."

"Who says I want to tell you?"

"Me."

Deidara glared at Kakashi before turning away and mumbling, "Sasori."

At that moment, Sasori happened to walk in. He stopped dead at the sight of the two, his cheeks beginning to turn red. "What the-"

"PERV TIME!" yelled Kakashi before vanishing in a cloud of smoke, leaving Deidara madly trying to dream up excuses and staring guiltily at Sasori.

"Come back moron." Sasori snapped, jerking his thumb in the direction of the hideout, "Talk about this inside."

Deidara resisted the urge to use some very colourful language back and got up, instead sharing a very dirty look with his lover.

* * *

"What the fuck were you doing with that retard?"

"What the fuck do you think you're doing controlling me retard?"

"What the fuck do you think you're doing answering a question with another question?"

"What the fuck do you think you're doing being such a hypocrite?"

"What the fuck are we talking about?"

"What the fuck are you doing still saying this?"

"...Wanna fuck?"

"Fuck yes."

And then they fucked.

* * *

Deidara stirred under the quilt, opening his eyes to see Sasori's dark ones gazing into his. "Hey Fucktard."

"Good morning to you too, Sori."

"Haven't called me Sori for a while, eh? Last time I got the privilege of hearing your affection was before you..." He seemed to zone out mid sentence, running his index finger over the ugly marks that Deidara had left on his skin. He had needed last night desperately. He had so much frustration bottled up inside that he had to get out, even if it meant harming his lover.

He winced at a particularly ferocious looking bruise and Deidara cringed. "Sorry about that."

"Nah, I've had worse. As you know. Deidara, I think-ahh!" He shuddered as Deidara ran a tongue along the bruise. The touch was painful but strangely arousing, causing a slight tension downstairs. "Fuck it." He growled, and pulled Deidara back up for round two.

* * *

"Itachi." Kisame leaned against his sword, eyeing the Uchiha warily.

"Kisame." He replied.

"You okay sexy?"

Itachi turned to glare at him. "Never been better fish face."

Kisame smiled at the insult. Sometimes he wonders whether Itachi knew exactly how damn hot he was. "Your eyes contradict you. You hurting? Want an old calamari to kiss it better for you?"

"Piss off. If you wanna get hard go find someone else."

"I don't want to get hard with someone else."

"Why not?"

"Cuz I don't know anyone else your size."

"Which is?"

"Big as the moon."

Itachi narrowed his eyes and turned to leave, only to be yanked back into Kisame's body. "Where you going sucker?"

"What the fuck is your problem?" Itachi growled, struggling to remove himself from Kisame's vice like grip.

"I like that word."

"What?"

"Fuck... say it again."

"No!"

Kisame snarled and pressed his lips against Itachi's neck, wrapping an arm around his mouth to prevent unnecessary words.

Itachi squirmed like mad. Stupid Kisame, attacking him at his weakest moment! "You don't even like me you great shark!"

"Who said? I like anyone who is as sexy as you are."  
"Anyone? Well sorry, but if you thought you ever had a chance in hell you were wrong."

"Deidara's taken you know."

"I know. I'm not stupid, why bring that up? It's not as if I like him or anything. Great idiot, sometimes I think his head is full of clay as well."

Kisame snorted against Itachi's collarbone. "I'm not stupid either you nitwit. It's obvious, you know that? The only one who hasn't noticed your little soft spot is Deidara."

"W-what?"

"That's including Sasori. No wonder he gets so pissed off at you, eh?"

Itachi stopped struggling, growing limp in Kisame's grip. "You all... know?"

"Duh. If you wanted it to be less obvious try not glaring at Sasori every passing moment and being a bit less protective. But it's too late now my little sea urchin."

Itachi's throat seemed dry and no words would come out. Finally he managed to croak, "Sea urchin?"

"Marvellous, aren't they? Spiky and hard to get close to, but when you crack them open they are absolutely delicious."

"You and your idiotic metaphors..." Itachi managed a half hearted laugh.

"Give in. There's no point stopping me, how can I resist a sea urchin as tasty as you are? After all... they're my favourite food."

Itachi closed his eyes and sank into Kisame's body. He hated to admit defeat, but it's not like he had a choice. And he was so damn tired...

"Good boy."

* * *

"When's the thing due?"

"My CHILD is born next month."

"Oh, happy about it now?"

"No, but it's still a child."

"It?"

"He or she. You know."

Pein narrowed his eyes at Sasori suspiciously. "What are you going to do?"  
"With what?"

"You know what."

Sasori couldn't help but clench his fist. Right now he was hating Pein more than anything. "I'm not killing it."

"You know how it is Sasori. It's going to completely tarnish all our plans. There'd always have to be someone looking after it, and no doubt you and Deidara will have a soft spot, and we all know how dangerous they are."

"Pein. The kid will be fine, we could raise it, train it. It might become powerful."

"But we don't have the time to train toddlers!"  
"I'm not fucking killing it and there's no way you are going anywhere near it!" yelled Sasori, and with that he stormed off.

"Such a shame..." Pein sighed as he left. This was going to be difficult.

"Greetings, lover!" Kisame rested an arm around Itachi, who immediately began to burn red as a tomato.

"I'm not your lover fish face." He growled, removing the arm around his waist. "It was just a one night fling."

"Pfft, sure, sure. I still got to hear my name cried out in ecstasy from my sea urchin."

"You know how weird that sounds? The only reason I was on the bottom was because I was tired and your pitiful whining made me feel sorry for you."

Kisame laughed heartily. "Now we all know that's not true. Who are you trying to convince? There's no one else here."

The words had barely left his lips before he heard laughter. He turned to see Tobi rolling around on the floor practically wetting himself before he had the breath knocked out of him by Itachi's fist. "You fucking lunatic!" he yelled at Tobi.

That only caused more uncontrollable laughter.

"Calm down Itachi, it's not like your whole reputation has been ruined, after all it was only Tobi. At least it wasn't Pein or anything."

"But he'll tell everyone!" Itachi whined.

"Shhh, it was only one person my fluffcake."

"FLUFFCAKE?"

"Look, the point is, no one else knows, and Tobi's too dimwitted to tell anyone."

* * *

Wrong.

Itachi sits with his head in his hands, Kisame playing awkwardly with his hair. "Fuck. Off." He growled. Realising just how pissed off he really was, Kisame stopped.

Everyone knew. That damn Tobi had told EVERYONE. And now they all thought the two of them were lovers. Great. "I'm going to fucking KILL YOU!"

Kisame giggled. "Okay, okay, point taken. I'll leave you to seethe on your own then." And so he did.

And so, Deidara found himself once again shut up in a cave, only this time he had a grumbling Sasori in there with him to make sure he didn't run off. "This is for your own good you know." Said Sasori for the 602nd time, "I'm not being mean, it's so you don't go into labour all alone somewhere. You get it? So can I trust you enough to leave you to your agony and do something useful?"

Deidara let out a snort of laughter. "Leave, leave, see if I care. Kakashi makes better company than you anyway. If you actually gave a damn about me-"

Sasori bristled. "Fine! Go and have the kid on your own! Pein will kill it anyway, no point trying to have a safe birth, might as well let it die before it gets a chance."

The blood ran out of his face. "Pein wants to kill it?"

"Yes, he's been bugging me since we found out. Says it'll be a waste of space. But you know, might be less painful this way." And with that he stormed out.

Deidara was frozen in shock. So Pein was going to kill his kid? What was he going to do now? He could let Pein kill it off, it would probably be better. The Akatsuki wasn't exactly a nursing home after all. But he could raise it so that it was powerful and could help them, maybe that would make up for it... but could he do it? He had always thought he could kill anyone, it was just one life that hadn't even begun but... somehow it was one thing he didn't think he could do.

He could hear footsteps echoing in the passage outside. He turned his head to see Pein in all his scowling glory standing in the doorway. Not trusting his mouth, he dipped his head slightly in greeting. Pein ignored him and put a hand on his shoulder, staring emotionlessly into his eyes. "Deidara," he began, "It's not going to work out. Having a kid will completely disrupt all that the Akatsuki has been working towards, you know that. I suggest we end its life when it is still young. We could try now, but if you got hurt it wouldn't be much better. Are you with me?"

Deidara nodded solemnly. He was beginning to realise just how serious Pein was about all this. Even now he couldn't quite believe it yet. It was just so... ridiculous.

Pein sighed and clapped him on the back before leaving the room. As soon as his footsteps had faded Deidara took a deep breath and began to sneak out.

He ran as quietly as he could through the hideout. The others weren't stupid, they would have realised that Deidara was sneak out. He didn't care. If they caught him, he'd wait for another chance. The exit was in front of him now. He was so close...

He stepped out, taking a moment to breath in the cool air before continuing. After a while he slowed to a walk, pushing his paranoia down and enjoying the freedom. Once this was all over it would be a lot better.

He hadn't got far, however, when he realised he could hear a second pair of footsteps matching his own. He picked up the pace and, hearing the footsteps accelerate as well, stopped suddenly.

"Oof!" Deidara felt a small body collide with his. Tobi. He swung around ready to yell and swear his heart out when he saw their face. It wasn't Tobi. It was Gaara of the Sand.

He steadied the small red head by putting his hands on his shoulders. "What are you doing here? It's dangerous, get lost before they catch up to me."

Gaara's ice blue eyes looked up into his, freezing his heart with the chill. "It's been too long. I miss you my baka."

The words seemed to melt him a bit. He was meant to hate Gaara, but he couldn't help but have a huge soft spot for him. He was different to Sasori. Not that he didn't love Sasori, or that he preferred one to the other just... It was only a soft spot. He wouldn't want to actually do it with Gaara; he just didn't particularly feel like killing him that's all. That is, ignoring that one time... he resisted the urge to shake himself vigorously at the memory for fear of looking like an idiot.

While he was thinking, Gaara reached up and pressed his lips against the blonde's, who was snapped out of his daze. He froze for a second before relaxing. Just once wouldn't hurt right?

The kiss deepened and he could feel Gaara getting restless. He didn't think he would live with himself cheating on Sasori more than once... but as long as they didn't go too far it should be okay. He could feel the red head's tongue seeking entrance, and parted his lips. He felt a hand begin to invade his Akatsuki cloak. That was fine, right? It's not like they'd get any further than that.

He could feel his mind beginning to cloud over as his cloak pooled around his ankles. There was a hand up his shirt and another inching closer to his groin. Wait, when did his belt come undone? And why was it so cold? Oh... he looked down at his shirt and trousers on the ground.

His mind wasn't working. The world seemed hazy and it took a while before he realised what was happening. "G-Gaara..." He gasped at the pleasure down south and struggled to resist. It was hard... this guy always had a gift for blow jobs... He could suddenly feel hard ground under his back. Shit, this was getting out of control! "Gaara! I... I can't-ahh!"

"Deidara."

Oh shit. Shit shit faggoty fuckedy fuck shit. Deidara looked up to see Pein looking much scowlier than usual, if that was possible. He was frozen in terror, staring into Pein's deep crimson eyes. Gaara had stopped dead. He looked up at Pein with an expression of defiance crossed with fear and gave a crooked smile that seemed to say 'I'll be back.' before giving Deidara an apologetic glance and vanishing into the tree tops.

Under normal conditions Pein would have chased after him, but seeing as Deidara was curled up in pain and wheezing, he thought that now would probably not be the best time. "Deidara, are you in labour? Would you like me to help? Cause I'm not so sure, you seemed perfectly confident to do it yourself, so you're probably fine."

He turned to leave as Deidara let out an anguished cry. "PEIN YOU BASTARD!"

"Deidara!" Sasori tore past Pein and made a fruitless attempt to lift his lover up. "Pein! Help!" Pein shot a glare at Sasori. "Why? He seemed fine to me."

"Pein, stop being a bastard for once and help me!"

"I came here and found Gaara giving head to him. You still want to help him?"

Sasori's eyes widened a fraction, standing frozen for a minute before shaking his head clear. "S-stupid Sand Village idiot, trying to steal him away! I'm sure it was forced, I'll get him back, but for now I don't care just help me!"

Pein stood for a minute, considering his options. Helping him would mean one more brat to take care of. Not helping him would mean a risk of one good ninja's health and definitely less respect from the others, and respect was very important if he wanted to get anywhere with the Akatsuki.

"Fine. Just don't expect help raising it." He went to join Sasori and easily lifted his legs up, Sasori supporting his head and shoulders. They carried him to the Akatsuki hide-out, Pein glaring hard at Sasori to avoid looking at the between-the-legs department.

* * *

All Deidara could feel was pain. His head was still clouded over and all he could hear were voices saying _Push! Push! Push!_ He wanted to give up. He wanted to end it all, no matter the cost. After what Pein had witnessed, he was done with the Akatsuki and definitely with Sasori. What else was there? He had Gaara, but fat chance trying to fit in with his crowd. The voices were becoming louder. Push... Push what? He was yelling back in his mind, but they just kept chanting. He squeezed his eyes shut and pushed with all his might. He didn't quite know what, but it seemed to be working.

All of a sudden it was like a huge weight was lifted off him. The voices stopped and his butt ached like hell. He gasped for breath and opened his eyes. Sasori stood above him looking happier than he had ever seen him. He was holding something... a child. His child.

"Deidei! Look!" All of a sudden he had it in his arms. It was beautiful. He held it close and gazed down at it – no, him. He was quiet. Unnervingly quiet. "Hey..." He managed to murmur. The baby slowly began to open his eyes. He knew those eyes. He knew that expression as well. Oh shit.

Icy blue eyes rimmed with black glared up at him. The room went quiet. "Deidara, that kid... maybe I'm wrong but he reminds me an awful lot of..."

"Gaara." Deidara finished for Sasori.

This was going to take a while to explain...

* * *

Thanks for reading! X3 There is chance that there might be a sequal, I don't know yet so don't hold your breath hope you enjoyed it anyway lol. See ya :)


End file.
